Welcome to the final Speedo of the school year. It’s been a busy time, recently. Hope those of you who attended the culture lectures learned something new. In other news, Magda, Tom, and Daniel will be leaving soon; no doubt some of you will miss them. Don’t forget Music Club this Saturday; it’s at Cynamon Café on Zwycięstwa street. Marcin will be performing.

Riddle of the day:
My first letter is 'q' and my last is 'e'. You don't like it when you stand in me.


The Adventures of Bobby Callan

Bobby Callan is an English teacher in Poland who one day realises that he has the same surname as Robin Callan, the author of the Callan books. Bobby flies to England where he meets the Browns and befriends Miss Brown before allegedly kidnapping her. Together they travel to Argentina, Thailand, Finland, and many other places, trying in vain to find the elusive Mr Callan. Along the way, they meet Santa Claus who gives them a magic atlas. Mr Brown eventually finds the two runaways and gives Bobby an ultimatum: marry his daughter or go to prison.

If you want to read the story, start here

Here are some reviews:

“A load of rubbish!” The Times

“Who writes this s**t?” Tanya Forinton

“Once you put it down, you’ll never pick it up again.” Annual Book Review

Music Club is on Saturday. Your favourite, tree-huggin’ hippy, Jeff, will be there. I know it’s the Igry festival this weekend but if you’re looking for high-quality, live entertainment then London Pub is the place to be this Saturday. It starts at eight o’clock. Also, Marshall is having his Tai-Chi club Sturday afternoon so sign up in the secretaries' office if you're interested.

Word of the day:


spirit /spIrIt/



This word has different meanings.

1. Some people believe that a person’s spirit lives on after death; or goes to other places like heaven, Mars, Łabędy, etc. The word ‘ghost’ is a synonym.

2. An attitude; a person’s nature or characteristic quality. A person with a lot of spirit is bold, energetic, spirited.

3. To be in good or high spirits means that you’re in a good mood; you feel happy e.g. everyone was in high spirits at the party. The opposite of this is low spirits e.g. everyone was in low spirits the next day.

4. Alcoholic drinks, such as whisky and vodka, are spirits. Drinking spirits usually puts people in high spirits.

5. As a verb, it means to carry off quickly and mysteriously e.g. the documents have been spirited away.

A spirited spirit in high spirits spirits away spirits



What’s the word?



An animal with four legs and a tail which is often kept on a chain.
(3 letters)

A language spoken by over three-hundred million people worldwide.
(7 letters)

Like the face of a clock, it's round.
(6 letters)

A personal pronoun that sounds like part of the face.
(1 letter)

Smaller than an ocean but bigger than a lake.
(3 letters)

A preposition e.g. The students are sitting __ the classroom.
(2 letters)

A colour and a fruit.
(6 letters)

One, two, three, etc. are some examples.
(6 letters)

We make it but we can’t see it.
(Use the first letter of the answers to each of the above!)

Welcome to the latest edition of The Speedo. Last week we had Music Club. Many people showed up. Great success, as Borat would say.

Word of the day:
worm /w3:m/

A worm is an animal with a long, soft body, no backbone or limbs e.g. earthworm, silkworm.

A worm is someone you don’t like very much. As a verb it means to move like a worm or win favour with someone e.g. he wormed his way into her affections.

A bookworm is a worm that eats books and it can also be used to refer to someone who likes reading very much. A bookworm is by far the most educated of worms.

Worm jokes:

Q. How can you tell which end of a worm is which? A. Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!

Q. What do you call it when worms take over the world? A. Global Worming.

Q. Why did the worm cross the playground? A. To get to the other slide.

Q. What do you get if you cross a glow worm with a python? A. A 15 foot strip light that can strangle you to death!

Q. What is worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm? A. Biting into an apple and finding a half of a worm!

Q. What happens to a worm that digs too far? A. It gets in-dig-estion

Q. What do you get when you cross a worm with an elephant? A. Big holes in your garden.

Q. What is the best advice to give a worm? A. Sleep late!

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #26

Bobby, Miss Brown and her father were all standing on a beach in what was believed to be Thailand. It wasn’t long before they realised that the place was deserted; that is, there weren’t any people apart from them. Bobby thought that the magic atlas wasn’t working properly; instead of sending them to Thailand it had sent them to a desert island in the middle of nowhere.
‘What are we to do now?’ Mr Brown asked.
Bobby gave the atlas a shake and they suddenly found themselves standing on top of a very high building.
‘Where are we now?’ Miss Brown enquired.
‘We’re standing on the top of a very high building,’ Bobby replied edging forwards. He looked over the edge; it was a very high building indeed.
‘Be careful, darling!’ Miss Brown cried; ‘if you fell to the ground from the top of this very high building you would certainly die.’
Miss Brown was suddenly blown off her feet by the wind. Luckily, Mr Brown caught her before she fell. If she had fallen she would probably have hurt herself. Did she fall? No, therefore it is a supposition in the past. Unfortunately, the wind blew the atlas out of Bobby’s hands and he watched it fall to the ground. In fact, the book landed on a man standing in the street (must we be on our guard when we buy something from a man standing in the street?) and he probably saw stars, perhaps little birds; as is the case when someone receives a blow on the head.
Bobby quickly made for the exit and ran down the stairs.
‘Wait for us!’ Miss Brown shouted.
Bobby was running so fast that he slipped and fell from the first-floor window. I scarcely need say that he hurt himself badly. Miss Brown noted the writer’s use of the defective verb need in a positive sentence.
‘Quick, call Bobby an Ambulance!’ said Mr Brown.
‘Bobby’s an ambulance!’ Miss Brown replied. (OK, I’ve done that joke before – writer’s block!)
The ambulance soon arrived and Bobby was lifted into the back of it. The Browns accompanied him to the hospital.
‘What’s the worst you’ve ever been hurt?’ Miss Brown asked her father.
‘The worst I’ve ever been hurt was when I fell off my bicycle after drinking a bottle of whisky, but that was before I met your mother.’

Bobby was taken to a special mental hospital for Callan teachers, but unfortunately, they had run out of needles and so could not give him an injection before his operation. Instead, they gave him a bottle of whisky to drink and a piece of leather to put in his mouth, just as they did in the old days.

The operation was successful and the next day Bobby awoke to the sound of Mr Brown snoring; he was sitting in a chair opposite the bed. Miss Brown, however, was nowhere to be seen. Bobby got up and went off to find her, trying his best to avoid the nurses walking along the corridors…


To be continued

The History of April Fools’ Day
The origin of April Fools' Day is not altogether clear, though the French and Dutch have descriptions of April-fooling dating back to the sixteenth century. New Year's Day was originally on the first of April before the Gregorian calendar was adopted in 1582. In France, anyone who disliked or did not hear about the change was sent mock presents on the first of April. This is according to Wikipedia; I'm not pulling anyone's leg!

The Dutch television news reported once in the 1950s that the Tower of Pisa had fallen over. Many shocked people contacted the station.

A Poem for April Fools' Day

There aren’t any clubs this week, but Marcin will be doing a lecture on the Kama Sutra this Friday. Ask the man himself for more information.

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #25

Bobby and Miss Brown were running down the street; they were being chased by several crapulous (drunk) men wearing afros and shouting insults. ‘Bobby Callan is gay!’ one of them shouted. Bobby was angered by this and he stopped running.
‘What are you doing? What are you doing?’ Miss Brown asked.
‘If someone says things about you which are not true, do you think it’s better to defend yourself or keep quiet?’
‘Well, if your life is in danger; I think it’s better just to run!’
Bobby turned to face the men; there were six of them. Miss Brown was standing behind him shaking with fear. One of the men stepped forward. He had the letters “MT” written on his T-shirt; Bobby wondered what they meant.
‘You’re a dead man, Bobby Callan!’ the man said, pointing his finger threateningly at him.
‘How do you know my name?’ Bobby asked.
Then Bobby noticed that one of them was carrying (not wearing) the magic atlas; it was not on his body, therefore he was carrying it. Inside was written “property of Bobby Callan”.
‘Give me back my magic atlas!’ Bobby demanded.
‘What does “give back” mean?’ the man asked.
‘It means “to return”’ he replied.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and Mr Brown appeared.
‘Dad!’ Miss Brown said, surprised; ‘what are you doing here?’
‘No time for explanations,’ he said and began to attack the men. They stood and watched in amazement as Mr Brown defeated each of the six men with a combination of tai-chi and origami; it was quite a show. The man holding the atlas dropped it and ran away crying.
‘How did you get here?’ Bobby asked Mr Brown afterwards.
‘It was purely a snap decision by the writer; he thought it would be a nice addition to episode twenty-five.’
And a nice addition it was, too, as Mr Brown had saved them from certain death. Bobby would prefer to take poison or to be shot rather than to be beaten to death by six men wearing afros.
At five o’clock, Bobby and the Browns were sitting in a café drinking tea and eating a light meal consisting of ham, bread, and interrogative pronouns. Bobby was glad to have his magic atlas back, but was annoyed that some of the pages were missing.
Mr Brown insisted on taking his daughter back to Grantchester with him. After much debate, he gave Bobby an ultimatum: marry his daughter or be arrested for kidnapping. Naturally, Bobby chose the former of his options; besides he had grown quite attached to the eighteen-year-old Callan book star. Bobby was ten years her senior but it didn’t matter to her; she was infatuated with the globe-trotting gadabout, Callan teacher extraordinaire.
‘Can a man in Europe have two wives?’ he asked Mr Brown.
‘Certainly not!’ he replied angrily.

They decided to have the wedding in Thailand and, with the help of the magic atlas, the three of them soon found themselves on a beautiful sandy beach in south-east Asia.

Well, we’re back after a rather eventful Easter weekend. Hope you all had a great time, ate lots of food and spent some quality time with your families. I was in L’viv with some of the other teachers, and had quite an adventure…


NEWS

Don’t forget that this weekend is Music Club. Marcin is dying for you all to go there and heckle him during his performance. It’s at the Café Cynamon, on Zwycięstwa on Saturday 29th, at 7pm. Ask Marcin for further information about tickets (even though he said not to ask him, he knows more than I do about it!)

That’s about it on the news front. We’re all slowly getting back into the swing of things. Normal service will resume shortly!


FUNNY POEM…

I found this poem online. It’s quite appropriate for Polish classrooms!

“I SHOULD HAVE STUDIED” by Bruce Lansky

I didn’t study for the test
and now I’m feeling blue.
I copied off your paper
and I flunked it just like you.


WORD OF THE DAY

“FLUNK” – this means to fail, i.e. to get below 60% in your Callan tests!



The Adventures of Bobby Callan – Part Twenty Four

Bobby and Miss Callan walked down a random street in a random city.
“Bobby, what is the capital of Malta?” Miss Brown asked.
“I haven’t the foggiest. I’ve never been to Malta before,” Bobby replied.
“Well, for your information it is Valletta, and happens to be this random city we are in,” Miss Brown said.
“That’s all well and good Miss Brown, but do you really know where we are?”
“Not the slightest,” Miss Brown laughed. “So when you get lost in a large city, who do you ask?”
“Usually the first person I meet. It’s easier that way” Bobby said.
“What is the first thing you notice when you meet people for the first time?”
“Well, er…” Bobby’s voice trailed off. He was looking straight ahead. Miss Brown looked puzzled. A robotic sound pierced the air. Bobby walked over to the source of the sound. It was an android.

“I AM MARSHALL, THE DURACELL ANDROID” it stated monosyllabically. Miss Brown noted the author’s addition of ‘-ly’ to an adjective to form its adverb, and questioned in her own mind the legitimacy of this particular example, and also how she managed to notice it. She smiled.
“Er, hello… I’m Bobby Callan. We are lost, would you be so kind as to help us?”
“CERTAINLY. I HAVE BEEN SENT HERE BY THE ALMIGHTY DURACELL CORPORATION TO PROMOTE ITS AMAZING LONG LIFE BATTERIES. HOWEVER, I AM DUE A BREAK SO I HAVE NO PROBLEMS WITH HELPING.”
“Ok, great, thanks. We have come to Malta and had our magic atlas stolen. Members of the general public did nothing, as expected. We must get it back!”
“SO I’VE HEARD. I KNOW OF YOUR PLIGHT, BOBBY CALLAN, AND I CAN LEAD YOU TO THE NEXT CLUE.” Bobby noted the android’s use of so when someone says something he already knows.
“Oh, you do eh? How is that?”
“I HAVE SEEN THE DISTANT FUTURE. IN FACT, I AM FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE” Miss Brown noted the use of the word distant before a noun, instead of the word far.
“If I could see into the distant future, I’d like to see myself rid of this quest for Mr Callan.”
“DO NOT WORRY, IT WILL BE OVER EVENTUALLY.”
“Yeah, but we use eventually for something that will happen in the future but don’t know when. That is not comforting, it could be years!”
“AS I SAID, I HAVE SEEN THE FUTURE.”

Bobby and Miss Brown were walking along a street full of bars when a man staggered out of one which looked like a 70’s theme bar. He even had an afro wig on. He was extremely drunk.
“Excuse me, hadn’t you better drink less if you don’t want to get drunk?” Bobby asked. The man gave him a look that could only be described as angry. He stumbled over to Bobby and swung a fist at him.
“Bobby, why is it some people want to fight the moment they get drunk?” Miss Brown asked.
“I’m not sure. Callan says it’s because some people lose all moral sense and that the little animal that is deep down inside rises to the top and wants to fight, as is the nature of all animals”.
“How ridiculous,” Miss Brown said.
“Quite. And I have no intention of hanging around for him to hit me!” They ran.

Last Saturday, some of the teachers and students from Speed were present at the London Pub for a Saint Patrick’s day celebration, which basically involved drinking Guinness and singing along to songs played by Marcin. It was a good crack, as they say in Ireland.

Guinness is the best-selling drink of all time in Ireland; the company makes over two billion euros every year. They say the perfect pint of Guinness takes about two minutes to pour, which is why we always have to wait a bit longer when we order it from the bar.

Drinking Slang
Drink link: A cash machine (Bankomat).
To get plastered: To get drunk e.g. let’s go out and get plastered.
Drink shrink: Those who, after a few drinks, discover they have the ability to psychoanalyze and offer solid personal advice to their friends and/or strangers.
Grog monster: The part of the brain that insists you keep drinking long after you should have gone home and passed out (become unconscious).

There aren’t any clubs or lectures this week so sit back and enjoy the latest episode of Bobby Callan. All that remains for me to say is..

“have a good Easter!”

How many Easter eggs can you put in an empty basket?

Only one – after that it’s not empty any more!
Why shouldn’t you tell an Easter egg a joke?

It might crack up!
How does Easter end?

With the letter R!

The Adventures of Bobby Callan #23

Due to technical difficulties (err, OK I admit it was my fault!) Bobby Callan is only available as an image file, so click on the picture to read it.

This week’s edition by: David

Hello, good evening and welcome to this week’s Speedo Newsletter. Unlike last time I wrote, we have a rather busy calendar of events for you. Read on for more information and the next thrilling episode of Bobby Callan…

NEWS

First up is Tai Chi Klub, with Marshall. This is your monthly dose of wellness and spirituality, so if you want to attend see the secretaries. This takes place on Saturday 15th, at 2pm in Room 7.

Next up is Marcin and Daniel’s Music Club. This month, Marcin will actually be attempting to entertain you himself. Of course, he will be ably assisted by the rest of his group, Papilla. Also, you won’t have to travel too far, as it takes place in the Café Cynamon, on Zwycięstwa. Be there or be square on Saturday 29th, at 7pm. Ask Marcin for further information!

Also this month we will have a couple of lectures, from Ryan and Paul. I have no idea what the subjects of these are yet, but keep your eyes peeled for more information. Or you could just harass either of them in the corridor. A much better idea!


ST PATRICK’S DAY

This weekend sees one of the most important events in the year, for everyone! St Patrick’s Day is one of those rare celebrations had by all, irrespective of race, religion or gender. It is an international excuse to drink Guinness, sing songs by The Pogues on karaoke and generally toast the renowned hospitality of the Irish. I will be, as I have Irish blood, and I’m sure other teachers will too.

Also, Marcin will be hosting an Irish-themed get-together at the London Pub on Plac Piastów on Saturday evening at 7pm. Now usually Paddy’s Day (as it is affectionately known) is on the 17th (this year being a Monday) but as it is the closest weekend it makes sense to have it on Saturday!

The Adventures of Bobby Callan – Part Twenty-Two


Bobby turned the page of the atlas. The carelessly-dressed men closed in on them. Miss Brown tugged at Bobby.
“Can’t you do something?” she cried.
“Er, hang on.” Miss Brown noted Bobby’s use of Idiom 1. Bobby turned another page. The surrounding people closed in even further. Miss Brown screamed. It was a deafening scream, the kind that gets you noticed in the street. The men shrank back, a look of terror on their faces. One of them fainted.
“Ah, Miss Brown, that was just the job. Now we can make our escape.” Miss Brown stared blankly, noting Bobby’s use of Idiom 12. Bobby took her hand and they ran through the trees. This time they did not come across a lion.

After a few minutes of running, in which Miss Brown had proved she could run faster than Bobby, they stopped to catch their breath. Bobby looked at Miss Brown, exasperated.
“Why on earth didn’t the atlas work? I can’t stand it when things don’t go my way. It’s driving me round the bend!” Miss Brown wondered if Bobby had hit his head, as he had used Idioms 7, 10 and 28 in one sentence.
“Bobby, why are you using so many idioms today?” she asked.
“In a nutshell, I have no idea what you are on about. I make snap decisions all the time as to what I say.” Idioms 17, 36 and 38. Miss Brown slapped Bobby hard.
“Snap out of it! Can’t you see that it’s getting me down? I am putting my foot down, no more idioms!” She stopped, and realised that she had used Idioms 15 and 31. She was aghast.
“For heaven’s sake! It’s getting on my nerves! It must be some sort of after-effect from the atlas. You use it and it feels so strange. Sometimes I just don’t know if I am coming or going with you Bobby!” Idioms 4, 21 and 29.
“I think you have hit the nail right on the head Miss Brown! Either that or you are pulling my leg with that magical story. I think we had better watch our step with this atlas!” Idioms 13, 14 and 16. Suddenly, there was a scream from the trees. The men had caught up and were running at top speed towards them.
“Quick Bobby, do something!” Miss Brown cried. Bobby opened the atlas at a random page.
“I’m doing this completely off the cuff Miss Brown, so you had better keep your fingers crossed and touch wood. I’ll try not to let you down.” he said. Idioms 6, 39, 43 and 44. He muttered some random words. There was a blinding flash, and the trees disappeared.

Bobby opened his eyes. He was on his back, and the sky above was blue. It was a perfect day, wherever he was. He stood up. It appeared he was on a cruise ship. He walked around, looking for Miss Brown. He asked a passenger where the destination was, and found out they were in the Mediterranean.
“Isn’t that the name of the sea between Europe and North Africa?” he asked.
“Yes, now leave me alone” the passenger said.

Bobby found Miss Brown in the ship’s casino.
“What are you doing here? I thought we were hard up?” he asked.
“Yes, but I have just won at blackjack. They offered me a choice. Either ten thousand pounds now or forty thousand pounds in ten years.”
“My, what a lucky break. I guess we can let ourselves go for a while….”